Friday, November 25, 2011

He's a "walking-into-a-door", kind of Real

I have been feeling the need to write a new post all day, but I really didn't know what I needed to write about. I spent my morning relaxing, not doing my homework, and generally enjoying Thanksgiving break and I started thinking about things. Things like life, my internship, and the future as a whole. I put these "unpleasent" thoughts out of my mind long enough to watch another movie, get cleaned up and start running some errands. I left my cold apartment and had about a 30 minute commute. This was exciting, I LOVE driving. I like to just get in the car and drive, looking at the scenery, and thinking about anything that floats through my mind. I find it's some of the best time to turn on Christian music and have some really sweet time with the Lord. I do a lot of praying during this time too. During this particular drive, my thoughts began to wander back to "The Future." I started praying and again, felt the need to write another blog post. But my last post was about this exact topic.

This brought me home and I got on my blog and discovered a nifty little button that when clicked brings up a random blog!....and hour and a half later I had read through about a million "Mommy Blogs," an Irish Handball Discussion blog, ridiculous amounts about crafts, and twice as many blogs in some sort of Spanish language that I ever wanted to. I began to wonder if I was the only twenty-something, single, english speaking college student stumbling through life and writing about it. In an effort to turn this into a blog post, I started to write about random nonsence that ended up being about giving whoever invented Thanksgiving break a trophy. Instead of putting whoever reads this through that, I went back to that little button and...completely had my mind blown.

Suddenly, the only thing I was getting was blogs written by twenty-something Christian, english speaking, college students stumbling through life! (I KNOW right?!?) Then I realized something else fantastic, GOD PROVIDES!!

Ok, I already knew that, but today I might as well have walked into a wooden door He made it so real. When I was in the car I kept flip flopping between telling Him that I will have faith and patience and wait, (good joke, right?), and asking God to just friggin' tell me where my internship is going to be. I wanted him so bad to show me something that would answer my questions. Then as I was looking through the monotonous "CraftyMommy" blogs, I just wanted to read a blog by someone who saw life through the same eyes I did. And just like that, He showed me. He gave me tons of things to read by other people my age dealing with the same things I am. It was such a good feeling when I finally realized it. 

I know I will get answers about my future, because God provides. He provides answers, comfort, fellowship, laughter, and internships. He's using this blog in so many ways to get me to Trust Him and to have faith. I don't know how many people actually know this blog even exists, but to me it's becoming something much more beautiful than words on a screen.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

RHS: Restless Heart Syndrome

This Journey is to find my path in the world. I know that I don't have to worry, and that if I have faith it will all just fall into place. That's all it takes, Faith. While this is so easy to say, it's not so easy to do.

Here's an update on my life: After a ridiculous amount of school, I will be totally done with classes December 15, 2011. (YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
If you can't tell, I'm a little excited about this. To conclude my education, I have to do an internship. After my summer at Camp Courageous I can no longer see myself in a clinical setting, or even in a gym type setting. I loved the wide open, endless possibilities of Camp. So, my trusty advisor advised me to wait until this summer (so there are more opportunities outdoors) to do my internship and take some fun, skill building classes in the meantime. This was a great idea until I realized I have absolutely no more motivation for classes. At all. Actually, it's a been bit of a problem applying myself this semester. Upon this realization, I contacted my boss at CC and asked if there was a position open for this coming semester and to my delight, there was! I will be moving back to Monticello in January to be a counselor for the Winter and Spring seasons, while I wait for my internship! (Thanks, Lord!)

This is where the restlessness comes in: I need an internship. And, I want to get out of Iowa-badly. I've looked at every part of the country, Northern Europe and Australia. I want out of here for a while, if anything just so I can see how much I appreciate Iowa. I've sent out about 15 applications to Therapeutic Recreation facilities all over the place. I would like to secure this internship before I leave for camp because 14 hour workdays 6 days a week don't really lend much time for internship hunting.

 I've prayed and prayed about where I'm supposed to go and feel like I'm getting no where. I started praying that God will just start closing doors on me to the places that I'm not ment to be. I knew that this would be frusterating because it would take until the last door closes to find my place but I figured at least then I'll know. Although I know that I should be taking this one thing at a time, I am also looking at life after my internship, mainly because I won't have one. I wont be a college student anymore, so I won't have an apartment full of wonderful friends to come home to school to, I would really rather not move back in with my mom and step-dad, I know that there is nothing left in this area for me as far as my career goes, and marrige/settling down is definately low on my priority list. This makes me think about those Peace Corps and AmeriCorps applications I started last year. I would love to pack one bag of essentials and travel the world for a few years. No ties or no permanent address, just me and a friend traveling and exploring the world. BUT if I land a great full time job right of of my internship (the other major dream), if obviously can't happen...Geesh, such contradicting dreams. You see the problem I presume?

The bottom line: I'm stressed out with this decision. I don't want to make the wrong choice and I want to give myself the best possible chance of securing a future at the end of the internship.

So here's the new plan. My prayer is for faith.
  • Faith that I can completely turn this decision over to God.
  • Faith that I will hear from Him and know which steps to take.
  • Faith that this restless heart of mine will see His plan as soon as it's available and my next adventure will start.
  • Faith that while I wait, I will have peace knowing that at the exact right time, I will get news that I am interning at the exact right place, and that everything will work out in the best way.

I have learned the hard way that His ideas are way better than mine and I am praying that I can hear what HE wants for me, not what I think I want for me. #journeytotrust

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I'm giving in to something heavenly

This song, "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real came on my Pandora Station and it has been on repeat ever since.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

"Do you see this smile on my face right here?!"

"Does my grandpa's head look skinny?"

This was one of the first things our 13-year-old camper from this past respite weekend asked me upon his arrival at Camp Courageous. This was his first time attending and it's safe to say we can't wait for him to return. This kid kept us laughing from the time he arrived to the minute he left. Upon request, here is a list of hysterical quotes that should probably end up on the back of a t-shirt:

(In the gym, upon arrival)
Camper:"Does my grandpa's head look skinny?" 
Me: "ummm, well I'm not sure. I guess I didn't get a good enough look..."
Camper: "Well, it's not. Do you think my head looks skinny?"

(At lunch)
Camper: "I don't like applesauce anymore."
Me: "Why not?"
Camper: "It tastes like someone's moles"

Smelling Counselor 1's hair: Ewww! It smells like fireworks!
Smelling my hair: "It smells like storms....and cheese"
Smelling the volunteer's hair: "Mmmmm, peanut butter"
Counselor 1: "What does your hair smell like?"
Camper: "Um, some kind of breath"

I was singing along to a Backstreet Boys song that was playing in the Lodge when Camper says..."I'd rather you didn't sing...."

(While walking around Camp after leaving the nursing building)
Camper: "I liked that nurse's hair. It reminds me of that marshmallow I roasted"

Camper ran up to a tree off the trail that had already fallen down, karate chopped it and said..
"Man, my muscles are HUGE"

(Down in the snoezelroom)
Camper: "What classes did you sign up for?"
Counselor: "Nutrition...Psycholo-..."
Camper: "Do you want to fight?"
Counselor: "What? No!"
Camper: "I shouldn't box grandmas. You still have a moustache..."

Camper: "I want to sit next to you!" (talking to a counselor sitting in a rocking chair with another little camper)
Counselor: "Wait, no!...You don't fit!"
Camper (getting ready to jump in): "Do it anyway?!?!?!?"

(Getting ready for bed)
"My grandma's kinda fat. (realized what he just said and look's in the mirror) OOH! We don't talk like that!!!!"

Camper: Have you been to Y Camp?"
Me: "No, I..." *camper interrupts and grabs my arm and exclaimes very dramatically..
Camper: "Oooh! I miss Y camp!"

"Do you like my moustache? It's coming in rather nicely"

Do you see this smile right here on my face?
*points to his mouth and smiles really big :D

Camper: "Is his name a real name?" (talking about another camper with an unique name)
Me: "Yeah, it's real. We think it might be Norweigen. Your name is kind of unique too..."
Camper: "Yeah, but mine is real."

"I shouldn't be mean to my grandma"
Counselor: "No, you shouldn't, she loves you a lot"
Camper: "But 'Mr. Clere!' She has bad breath!!"

"I like her better than you because she has a moustache"


I can't believe I get to hang out with people as hysterical as this and get paid for it. Thank you, Camp Courageous.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Heart of a Father

I firmly believe that one of the main objectives of the Journey to Trust is for me to be able to see my Heavenly Father as my true father. One who will always be there, will never hurt me or let me down, but will celebrate in good things, love me unconditionally and never leave my side. I see the great ones all over my church, loving on their kids all the time. I came across a great website called, "Noah's Dad." ( It is a beautiful website about the love of one dad to his son, Noah, who happens to have Down Syndrome. Noah's dad is a good Dad.

Please don't see this as a jab at my own dad, because it's not at all. I LOVE my dad, so, so much. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Some of my favorite memories are spent with him. I know I am so much like him and I love that about myself. One of the things I am most proud of about my dad was that he worked with people with special needs. I love that I am like my dad in that way. I am so proud of my dad's heart for others.  My dad is a great man, an honorable man and I wouldn't trade him for the world. It's true though, I miss my much. I wish I could see him every day and have wished that everyday for the past 17ish years. I wish I had 21 years of memories with him. I wish he would have changed things about our lives so we both didn't have to be so strong. I wish that he would live in Iowa, so I could visit. I wish my (future) neices and nephews will see him as their favorite grandpa. I wish Father's Day wasn't a little bit sad . But I do love my dad. I sometimes feel like I missed out when my roommates talk about their awesome dads. When they talk about the funny ways their dad's would say goodbye to them unfailingly, each morning, or how they would get embarassed by their dad's doing goofy dad things. But then I remember the time's I've had with my dad, and the things that I love about my dad and it's ok. My dad is a great dad.

My perception of "the father" is a little different than most. I don't think by this point, this will come as a suprise to anyone, that it's a bit of a hardened area for me. I love my dad, but he wasn't there, that makes a difference. The father figure that was present most of my life was not one that anyone would have chosen. There are some good memories, but most are not and those that are good, are overshadowed by the bad. While I don't view my step-father as a dad figure per se', I do see him as a solid and constant support system, someone who loves me, and someone who has made life for my family easier and sweeter, and for that I could never be happier or more thankful. He is also a man of God, and exemplifies the heart that I know our Heavenly Father has for his kids.

This brings me to the point of this post, I know God wants me to experience the undying, unconditional, love that he has for me. It's all there in the little things that He has given me in my life. He has shown me what a sweet gift a father is, He has shown me everything a father is not, and now He is showing me that He will never do those things to me. I know He has been showing me that there is rest in Him. He will provide all of the things that I need, and all the of the want's of my heart. I think about these things often. I usually begin to pray and talk about what's going on in my life, (as if He doesn't already know). I picture him listening to me with a smile on his face, just like my dad did when he listened to me. I know that He is letting me come to Him on my own time. He's not pushing himself onto me. He is good Dad.

Make no mistake, I am happy. I have always been happy. I don't feel like I missed out because I have been given lots of great dad's in my life. My 2 best friends growing up had fathers who acted like fathers to me, my uncles are great dads, and my pastors are great dad's. I have great dads.The love of a father is something that everyone craves. It's a strong love. I know that I am almost to my point of fully and knowingly experiencing, and feeling God's love.