Tuesday, November 15, 2011

RHS: Restless Heart Syndrome

This Journey is to find my path in the world. I know that I don't have to worry, and that if I have faith it will all just fall into place. That's all it takes, Faith. While this is so easy to say, it's not so easy to do.

Here's an update on my life: After a ridiculous amount of school, I will be totally done with classes December 15, 2011. (YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
If you can't tell, I'm a little excited about this. To conclude my education, I have to do an internship. After my summer at Camp Courageous I can no longer see myself in a clinical setting, or even in a gym type setting. I loved the wide open, endless possibilities of Camp. So, my trusty advisor advised me to wait until this summer (so there are more opportunities outdoors) to do my internship and take some fun, skill building classes in the meantime. This was a great idea until I realized I have absolutely no more motivation for classes. At all. Actually, it's a been bit of a problem applying myself this semester. Upon this realization, I contacted my boss at CC and asked if there was a position open for this coming semester and to my delight, there was! I will be moving back to Monticello in January to be a counselor for the Winter and Spring seasons, while I wait for my internship! (Thanks, Lord!)

This is where the restlessness comes in: I need an internship. And, I want to get out of Iowa-badly. I've looked at every part of the country, Northern Europe and Australia. I want out of here for a while, if anything just so I can see how much I appreciate Iowa. I've sent out about 15 applications to Therapeutic Recreation facilities all over the place. I would like to secure this internship before I leave for camp because 14 hour workdays 6 days a week don't really lend much time for internship hunting.

 I've prayed and prayed about where I'm supposed to go and feel like I'm getting no where. I started praying that God will just start closing doors on me to the places that I'm not ment to be. I knew that this would be frusterating because it would take until the last door closes to find my place but I figured at least then I'll know. Although I know that I should be taking this one thing at a time, I am also looking at life after my internship, mainly because I won't have one. I wont be a college student anymore, so I won't have an apartment full of wonderful friends to come home to school to, I would really rather not move back in with my mom and step-dad, I know that there is nothing left in this area for me as far as my career goes, and marrige/settling down is definately low on my priority list. This makes me think about those Peace Corps and AmeriCorps applications I started last year. I would love to pack one bag of essentials and travel the world for a few years. No ties or no permanent address, just me and a friend traveling and exploring the world. BUT if I land a great full time job right of of my internship (the other major dream), if obviously can't happen...Geesh, such contradicting dreams. You see the problem I presume?

The bottom line: I'm stressed out with this decision. I don't want to make the wrong choice and I want to give myself the best possible chance of securing a future at the end of the internship.

So here's the new plan. My prayer is for faith.
  • Faith that I can completely turn this decision over to God.
  • Faith that I will hear from Him and know which steps to take.
  • Faith that this restless heart of mine will see His plan as soon as it's available and my next adventure will start.
  • Faith that while I wait, I will have peace knowing that at the exact right time, I will get news that I am interning at the exact right place, and that everything will work out in the best way.

I have learned the hard way that His ideas are way better than mine and I am praying that I can hear what HE wants for me, not what I think I want for me. #journeytotrust