First off, I'd like to apologize for the lack of regular posting. But, this blog was never intended to be a daily update of my life and it's happenings (that's clearly Facebook's job). It was intended as an outlet for things that I feel I'm supposed to write about. When I post a new entry, its topic or topics are the things that I have been unable to get off of my mind for quite a while until such time when I know it's time to write them down.
This brings me too the first of a few topics that I feel are supposed to be in this post. Time.
Time is kind of a funny concept if you think about it. The whole world follows this schedule, based on the rising and setting of the sun that somehow puts all the events of our lives into order. It gives them a duration, and separates the past from the present from the future. This little four letter word is so incredibly important to us. We refuse to waste it, and go to limitless lengths to be sure we don't; we would go even farther to try and get more of it. We put so much stress on ourselves to ensure that we are spending it in just the right ways. What's more, we all have a different outlook on what is right and what is not. I don't think this way of thinking is all that out of line. After all, we all know we have an uncertain amount if time in this world that could run out without warning.
My dilemma with time is not if I am wasting it, because I do not believe time can be wasted. Something can come out of every minute of every day. My dilemma is am I spending it correctly? Am I where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. Right now, I am having quite the time in Nashville, Tennessee. I love it here. I've been here only two weeks, have a fun job serving at Applebee's, and am in the running for my first "career type" full time position managing a group home. I know this is where I am supposed to be, I really do. But I can't deny that I have doubts. The doubts stem from the concept in question: Time. Because I don't know how much time I have, I want to spend all of it with those I love. I have this nagging feeling that time for burying myself in my favorite place on the planet, my family's arms, is limited. If anything were to happen, I wouldn't regret coming to Nashville, but I would regret not spending every second I was here with my family. I know where these doubts come from. They come from the same place that planted doubts in the strongest of Christian believers. But because these doubts hit me at my absolute heart they are hard to ignore (as was intended).
Even though I have these doubts, I still feel confident that am doing the right thing in the right place. I am confident because when I'm doing the right thing I get this awesome feeling. It's that feeling you get when after being at war with yourself over a decision and finally choose which path you're going to take. That feeling that starts as a smile and then fills you from the inside out; when your head finally sees your heart is right. That's the feeling that I make decisions on. When I get that feeling, I know that I am following God's plan for my life. That's the feeling I got when I chose my internship, the feeling I got when I said yes to Nashville, and the feeling I got after my first interview for this career job.
I understand that for some it is really hard to wrap your head around this concept. The concept that a superior being has our every decision planned out for us, and has since before the beginning of time. But I believe it. It's kind of like time. You can't see time, but you can feel it. I can't see God's plan (much to my dismay), but I can feel it. It feels like a smile. Like when my head finally realizes my heart is right.