He Is Able

Those of you who know me well know that managing my finances is not one of my strengths. Its not something I'm even remotely proficient at. I seem to swing from living comfortably and confidently to completely falling off the swing itself. Right now, I'm pretty much lying under the swing staring at the sky, trying to catch the breath that was knocked out of me. I tried to get gas yesterday and my card was declined. Not because I had insufficient funds, but because I was already overdrawn. For the third time in about 5 weeks. My first thought was "I just don't make enough money." That was followed by "STOP GOING TO TARGET AND BARNES & NOBLE IDIOT!!" While both of these are valid points, they weren't answers that helped me solve the problem.

We are six weeks into our study on Ephesians and this week's lesson is called "His Amazing Love." We've been reading mostly out of Ephesians 3, with the last week being focused on 3:14-21. Verses 3:20-21 say, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us, to him be the glory..."

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. He is able. Plain and simple. He is able to turn my finances around. He is able to solve my career cluelessness. Not only is he able to solve these problems, he can do it in a way that completely blows my mind! Ephesians 1:4 says, "Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. 8-10 He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth." II Corinthians 9:8 says, "and God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Why am I worrying? God has given me all that I need right now in this moment. He has decided that I only need $40 in my checking account and $20 In my savings. And you know what? After soaking in his word yesterday and today, I'm ok with it because He is able, much more able than I ever could be. It's not comfortable, but I'm not made to be comfortable. While I will continue to look at jobs/career options both in Nashville and Iowa, I will do it patiently and with comfort that at the right time, he will reveal his plans to me and they will be incredible.

"You, being rooted and established in love"

I've been doing a bible study over the book of Ephesians. It's been so rewarding and comforting to be able to do this and to read this incredible love letter from our Savior. This post is just some ramblings that have stuck with me in the last few weeks. My apologies for the lack of flow and abundance of run-ons. I have to get this done before the kiddos wake up :)

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through Faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all God's holy people, to grasp how wide and kind and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowlegde-that  you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19

What a powerful prayer from Paul. Can you imagine if this was prayed over you everyday? What would your life be like if you lived using only the strength from your soul and the love we are established in? We would be a pretty incredible people. I love that Paul prays we know how immeasurable God's love is but that even if we could wrap our minds around it, the power of that love is a thousand times more than the power of that knowledge. He understands that we will never know it all, but if we just know how much God loves us, we don't need to know it all.

Another thing that gets me is God's faithfulness to us. I cannot comprehend how constant, how loyal, and how true God is. God wrote my story before he even started creating the earth. That means that he wrote my story, promised me this life, and then millions of years later, is following through. On Sunday I said I wasn't going to go to Target this week. Yesterday I signed up for a Target debit card, in person. Yesterday was Monday. I can't keep a promise to myself that will greatly influence my ability to pay rent and have a place to live for more than 24 hours. God kept his promises for centuries, and has never wavered in the 23 years of my existence. After being let down over and over again by people and things in this world, I am so incredibly moved and humbled that God stands firm day after day.

I don't think I will ever fully get it. But I don't think that's a bad thing. There is so much to gain in the quest for understanding and in the discoveries of all the ways I am loved, that on the day I stand before him and finally get it, I pray that during this journey I will have grown in love to be the person he intended me to be, all those years ago.

Why Faith is like Shaving your Legs

Studying the bible and drinking wine, as the Good Lord intended. 

I recently started a bible study and we will meet for the second time tomorrow. The study is set up to read certain passages and answer 5-10 questions a day for 5 days. I, being the motivated, word-thirsty, GodStudent that I am, typically wait until Wednesday night at 8pm to attempt to do all of it. This is not advised. I was on Lesson 2 Day 3 when I saw it was 15 deep thinking questions with an additional "Truth Seeking" section. I rolled my eyes heavenward and said, "Are you kidding me?" A quiet voice reminded me that most people follow the directions and take it one day at a time and generally no, the bible doesn't kid. I finished the questions without the deep thinking and then took a break to shower. Earlier today I bought new razor heads and shaving cream (I never buy shaving cream, and I promise this information is related to my bible study woes, just stick with me). I was super excited for my legs to be "luxuriously smooth and richly moisturized," as the can promised, so you can imagine my disappointment when I got out of the shower and had a prickly line up my calf that the razor missed.

Faithfully, God used something trivial to remind me he has more in store for my life when he had me sign up for this bible study. Just because I bought fancy shaving supplies, doesn't guarantee perfect results. I have to take my time and use them correctly. I signed up and paid for this bible study. When the money left my account, the knowledge and subsequent faith wasn't deposited into my brain. I have to spend good, quality time every day with Jesus if I want to know him better. If I try to cram it all into one night, the results are as prickly as my calf. It doesn't matter if you were raised by nun's and studied abroad for a year in heaven- our investment is in God, not the tools or classes. The classes are worthless if we are not invested in knowing Jesus more. He then uses the tools and classes to help us learn.

In the coming weeks, I am praying that I will be excited about the opportunity of ending long work days in time with Jesus. Reading his words, writing out thoughts and prayers, and allowing him to fill me up in order to let this study do what He intended it to do.

That Fateful Day

We have so many specific days that stick out in our minds. Milestones like starting preschool, getting our drivers license, graduating high school or college. These days are celebrated with family, friends, pictures, and parties. There is one "milestone" however, that is greatly under appreciated. A single day- no, a single moment that makes you stop in your tracks and examine your entire life up to that point in time...

The Day You Open Your Mouth And Your Mother Comes Out.

If you're in your 20's, have or are around children on a regular basis, or had a mother that loved you fiercely, you've probably experienced this moment . It should not be confused with the similarly shocking milestone of Realizing Your Mother Was Right...About Everything (that's another post, for another day).

Let me tell you what happened...

I am a nanny. I care for two of the world's sweetest children who, for privacy reasons, I will call Question Master and Sweet Pea. Question Master (or Q) is so named because he is the absolute master of all questions. He has in fact, asked every single one of them. He's 4 years old, insanely smart, and has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Sweet Pea is 2 and is just as sweet as can be. Her adorable smile could defrost the coldest of hearts.

Today Question Master had a T-Ball game. I was in the middle of getting everything ready, and needed him to get his uniform on. He was relaxing from a long day at preschool and watching TV. I brought him his uniform, helped him with his socks, and then asked him to put his pants and shirt on while I took a few things out to the car. I came back in, Sweet Pea had taken the pants and he was laying on the couch in his school clothes. I returned the pants, got his attention and asked again. Few minutes later... no change. I again, wrestled the pants away from Sweet Pea, turned the TV off, and gave her a snack...still no progress. About 15-20 minutes has passed at this point and Q is now making carpet angels and asking if I remembered the time I said Pluto was a planet, and he so graciously corrected me for an hour and a half. I gathered his clothes, pointed him towards the bathroom (to minimize distractions), and....it happened.

"You have 5 minutes to put this uniform on your body, or...."

Sweet Baby Jesus.
I couldn't even finish the sentence. It was the tone! The words! The feeling that I was 7 years old and still hadn't cleaned my room.

My unbelievable, loving, attentive, caring mother had a way of finishing any problem, any procrastination, anything with a time limit, a task and "or I will do it for you."  Couple that with the ol' raised eyebrows, and stuff got done. NOBODY wanted Mama to do it for them. I took a second and evaluated where I was in life, and tried to accept what had just happened. I also made a mental note to call my mom and thank her for being so incredibly present in my life, that even though I am over 700 miles away, she's still popping up out of nowhere, helping me out. That's a good Mom.

Question Master was in and out of the bathroom in 3 minutes, ready and yelling "LET'S PLAY BALL!!!"

I was almost upset that it worked so well. Touche'.

Mom: 1 Jordan: 0

Writing for the sake of writing

So, I bet after you all read that last post you expected more frequent blog posts didn't ya? Yup, I did too. Unfortunately, after the grand Declaration of Life Plans, I have had squat for ideas to write about. Like, diddly squat. I've been writing a little in journals and such but nothing exciting. But, as I try to follow the advice of other published writers, I am going to write, just to write. So, without further ado, here's an update on whats been going on in my life. Be warned: it's incredibly enthralling.

(no it's not)

Like most humans, I am on a constant journey to better myself. Both spiritually and physically. I signed up for a bible study over Ephesians and Hebrews at my church that will be starting soon, and am trying to keep a prayer journal and read the bible more. I'm not unhappy about the way I look, but I remember how great it felt to be in good shape when I was in high school. In an effort to return to this state, I've been running and swimming for some time now. My sister, Sydnie, is an avid runner and stole all of the athletic, endurance, and competitive genes and has completed a full marathon and several other running feats. I, on the other hand am especially proficient at things like reading for a whole day, having an exceptionally comfortable wardrobe, and declaring things without a whole lot of follow up. Proud of it, too. Anyway, she has been saying for a year that she would like to come down and "run" a "race" "together". (The quotation marks are because 1. I use the term running very loosely. 2. I'm not racing anyone but the event's time limit. I just try not to notice all the moms pushing multiple toddlers in strollers passing me. 3. She's trying to beat a previous time. I'm trying not to require life support.) After badgering me for 12 months encouraging me to think about it she tricked convinced me into committing to the Country Music Half Marathon in April. She also deceived me advised me in my training. She said that in order to fully train for an event you must pay more money than should be legally allowed to run an event of equal ungodly length prior to the actual event. So, I will also be running a half marathon in September. In 29 days, actually. I am pretty excited about conquering something I never thought I would be able to do. I plodded about 10 miles today in OPPRESSIVE heat, and then naturally had fast food for dinner. Still ironing out the kinks.

One super positive aspect of my training is some new motivation! About 6 weeks ago I signed up to be a runner on a site called I Run For Michael. This nonprofit organization was started by a runner named Tim who's friend Michael has a hip condition that prevents him from being able to run. Michael also has Down Syndrome. Tim started this organization that pairs runners up with kids with special needs all over the country. The runners then run for their match, and post greetings and share photos on a Facebook group. It's kind of amazing. After waiting what seemed like forever I received my match on Monday! I am paired with a sweet two year old boy from Utah. I have been getting to know him and his family through his awesome mom and their family blog. Running for them makes running exciting again!

I have been getting a little better on the financial aspect of life. I still don't have any money but I did open my budget again for the second time since I created it...Progress! I worked with it long enough to plan to buy a little TV and DVD player for my room. It took me about a month to save up all the money and buy it responsibly. It felt really good! This was followed the next week by upgrading my bedding for the first time since I was 14. This was not planned, or budgeted for, and was wildly expensive and for that I will not be buying groceries this week.Totally worth it, my bed is really pretty, you guys.

Well, I'm really trying to down play the excitement and glamour of my life but I think that about covers the whole summer. Oh! I forgot, I have to get glasses, and my bottom left wisdom tooth might be coming in. I know, it really is hard to be this lively. I was once asked by a former co-worker how exciting my life was. I think I explained it well when I said, "It's like telling your significant other you love them for the first time, and then they say 'thanks'."

Until next time!

Dreams of a TwentySomething

My very first post on this blog was almost 2 years ago. I wish I could say something like, "7 published works, 2 speaking tours, and a billion dollars later, here we are!" But sadly, I cannot. The real story includes three states, four jobs, and $42,000 in debt. What a life, right? While all that stuff in the first scenario would be great, I'm pretty sure it's against some sort of law to have that much success by 23. I'm not bitter, I just understand life takes time to figure out, but it does make me think.

When I was 5, I thought I would be a grandma by 23. Then at 16, I saw myself married with my first kid by 23. When I was 20, I pictured myself in a beautiful, kid-free life traveling the world with a job and salary that paid for it all. Reality says at 23 I find myself waiting, willing something to happen that will show me which path my life will take. Three years into "the best years of my life", I'm ready to get going, and make these years as good as everyone said they would be.

My second post began, "I like how in college, people say, I am a... and then state their major." In college, your major was a huge part of your identity. They didn't tell us if we didn't land a job right after graduation, we'd lose that security of having a publicly approved identity that stated we knew what we were doing with our lives and had a plan to get there. After graduation I completed my internship at a site that wasn't hiring, moved 750 miles away and became a nanny. While I have no regrets, I found through the move and a year in Nashville, I don't identify with a Therapeutic Recreation major anymore. I still love it, of course I do it cost $40,000, but I'm having problems finding a career in it that I can see myself doing for decades to come. In the wake of that credit score devastation, I have begun to seriously rekindle a flame of passion I've had since I was seven.

I want to be a writer.

The dream is obviously Saturday Night Live, but I'd have to start watching the news and I'm pretty sure our more-basic-than-basic cable package doesn't include a single news channel. In the event that SNL doesn't think I'm funny, I love to explore other facets of the writing world. I really don't have any direction as to what type of writing I want to do or major plans regarding timeline or genre, other than making a career or of it.

Armed with a dream, a wide open future, and nothing but time, I'm ready to commit. A great writer I recently discovered said she doesn't use the term "aspiring writer" because you are what you do. So without further delay..

I am a writer.

Home

Yesterday I went out for a run at Percy Warner Park. I chose this particular 5.8 mile course because it is known to be one of the hilliest and best training courses for runners in middle Tennessee. As I am training for a couple very hilly half marathons, I believed this to to be a "good idea". Also, it's paved road winding through miles of gorgeous forest makes for a pretty awesome view. Anyway, being a trail run through miles of forest, I was a little nervous about getting lost, so I used an app on my phone to guide me through the twists and turns. This barely helped as I still proceeded to make a wrong turn and my 5.8 challenging hill run turned into a 8.3 mile quest for life support. Needless to say, I'm taking it easy today.

When I hit the  6 mile mark and saw the distance I still needed to cover to get back to my car I realized I had made a mistake along the way and I was no where near finished, completely exhausted, and the discouragement was setting in. I was disappointed about how much of the run I had actually walked, about my unfamiliarity of the terrain and the fact that my phone's battery life was dwindling. After a short pity party I sorted out my route and ran consistently for about a half mile when my phone beeped, flashed and vibrated to announce that the battery was very low. This is where I really began to doubt my decisions about taking this challenge alone. If my phone died, I had no idea how to get back to my car without GPS, I was completely bored with running and my legs felt like jello. I fiddled with  the power saving options and was about to turn off my music when I decided that a couple more songs would help me get my pace back and get me closer to the finish. When I felt like again I needed to stop and walk I just got angry. How did I miss a turn when I am literally following a little blip around a map and it's telling me where to go? What the heck was I going to do when I still had a mile left and my phone died, I hadn't seen another person in about 40 minutes. I was just about to turn off my playlist, but heard the familiar opening tones to one of of favorite songs, Phillip Phillips' "Home".

"Hold on to me as we go.

As we roll down this unfamiliar road.

And as this wave is stringing us along,

Just know you're not alone. Cause I'm gonna make this place your Home.

Settle down, it'll all be clear.

Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear.

The trouble it might drag you down

if you get lost you can always be found.

Just know you're not alone. Cause I'm gonna make this place your home."

In that moment I wasn't hearing the love song as Phillips intended it. I was instead hearing it as God intended it. He was saying, (and I'm paraphrasing, God is hard to quote after 7 miles of hills), "Jordan, chill out. You're not alone. Yes, you don't know where you are, but I do. You doubt your choices and your abilities but I put you right here. Hold onto me as we go down a road that is new to you, but not to me. This place of uncertainty right now is temporary in this situation but I'm going to make it your home. And spoiler alert! I have a better GPS than your phone!" I began thinking about all the questions I currently have. I began sounding out all my feelings based on my life at that moment, five days before my 23rd birthday. They all rounded out into one giant ball of uncertainty. What am I doing in Nashville? What was my purpose to move 700 miles away to become a nanny? Where in the world was the money I made every two weeks? How is it ALWAYS gone? Why hasn't my career begun? One by one, as I ran I felt answers coming to those questions. What am I doing in Nashville? Learning. What was my purpose to become a nanny? A job that I enjoy, with a family I adore and time to process. Why is my money always gone? Because the last time I consulted my budget, was the day I made it. ( I didn't need divine help with that one). My career? It's not time to find it yet; write more. I felt like he was saying he was going to take that of uncertainty, and was going to make it my home. What does that mean? I don't know. I do know that something is coming, I can feel it. I do know that change is coming soon. I don't know what it is but I guess then I've never really known my next step until it smacks me in the face. When God makes the feeling of uncertainty your home when you've been uncertain for the majority of your adult life, you don't question it, because actually it already feels like home.

I put too much stress on myself to be doing the exact right thing I am supposed to be doing at the exact right time. As a person who is habitually late, this is not the best fit for a lifestyle choice. Yes, I believe our futures are a memory of God's and that he has a plan for our lives but he never intended us to stress about it. He intended us to ask about it. The day before I was to drive back to Tennessee after going home to get rid of mono, we went to church and I was feeling doubtful about my decisions, even though I told everyone I couldn't wait to get back. One of my moms good friends and a very wise and witty lady, Joani, prayed for me. She said something that helped immensely on my transition back to Nashville and that came flooding back to me full force on my run. She prayed that I would be able to hear the directions I was being given to find the life that God has planned for me. But, that while I waited for those directions to know that any work I find, when done to glorify Him, is always on his plan for me, and makes him smile. That certainly takes the pressure off, doesn't it? It's his plan, not mine. I'm the passenger, not the driver. About the same time I came to these familiar realizations I looked up and focused on my surroundings, I could see my car. I held tight to him that last mile on an unfamiliar road. I ignored all the demons that left me afraid. I settled down, and it did become clear, he didn't promise that I would always feel certain but he took my uncertainty and he led me home.